The last season of my life was all about God unmaking me.
Unmaking me as a heart-broken wife and making me into his beloved, sought-after daughter once again.
Unmaking me as a fearful woman and making me into a confident, brave Godly woman.
Unmaking me as a “try-harder” person and making me into a “thank you Jesus” for your grace receiver.
Unmaking me as an exhausted single mom into a refreshed, adventurous life-liver!
Unmaking me as a victim of domestic violence, to a strong survivor who can share my story of ashes to beauty.
The unmaking of myself was the most painful and yet beautiful process I’ve ever walked through. At the beginning I thought I would die from a broken heart, afraid to release my grasp from all of the dreams I held onto so tightly. Yet I found, that letting go in itself set me free and brought my heart back to life.
Below is some journal entry I wrote during the most painful time of the unmaking of myself process. I wanted to share it with you in hopes that you would be encouraged if you face a trial that leaves you completely undone.
I’ve always known who I was and what I wanted in life. Very recently, I’ve been challenged in every area of what I thought was secure. My faith, my family, my divorce, my life. It has all been shaken, scattered and torn down. There was nothing more that I wanted than a life that pleases God, a family that was anchored on love to bring glory to God. My heart was pure. Yet, I face the biggest loss of my life. My family and marriage. It didn’t survive the beatings of the evil one. Another one gone astray who believed the grass is greener somewhere else.
I didn’t understand. I couldn’t figure out why everything was thrown all around and it left me more than confused. If God is good, why did all of this happen? Why am I left with nothing but a million broken pieces recklessly laying around me. Why are my tears not ever stopping? “God, didn’t you say you are faithful? Why have you not answered my prayers? I had faith that could move mountains that you would restore to me what was lost and stolen from me.”
But now, I see it all so clearly. Only when we are broken, are we able to be made whole. When the walls came crashing down, I could only see God. So I’m not asking why anymore, but WHAT can this teach me? WHAT can be revealed to me through this experience.
So this is the part of my life where sad endings lead to new beginnings. Where the unmaking of myself is embraced.
What stood before is gone.
As the rubble surrounds me here in this place, I look to God alone and build an altar with these scattered stones. I lay my will, my heart and my loss down. I give God all of me that’s left. I have clung much too long to stones that cannot build what I thought this once was. This altar is the unmaking of myself for His glory.
I lay down my heart’s desire and my faith that God could save my family and it be used for His glory. I lay down my pride that I could have done something to save it. I lay down my thoughts, my fears and my hopes for what could have been.
Though this is the most painful thing I have walked through, I see God sitting here with me in the unmaking of myself. In the brokenness and pain, I feel His hand in mine.
And that is enough for me. He alone is my portion.
This prayer was the cry of my heart during that season. If you are going through a valley, I encourage you to pray this with me. It truly helped me just BE and it brought peace and comfort in the hard places.
May this painful process of the unmaking of myself be used for Your glory. This is not a path I thought I would ever travel, nor desire to go, yet I accept this as part of Your plan. I am yours. To You alone I surrender. Make of me what You please. I am Yours. Unmake me to want nothing but more of you Jesus. I am lost and only in You I am found.